Saturday, 18 February 2012

Teachers Lounge

Teachers lounge – September 7th.
Davis: Did you get your picks in for the pool yet? Deadline is tomorrow you know.
Black: Almost. I’m just having some trouble with a few categories.
Davis: Relax, it’s only your second year teaching. I’ve been here 17 years and I’m still guessing at a lot of them. Read me your list and maybe I can give you a few tips.
Black: Really?  Wow thanks. Okay…well let’s see… I’ve got the usual suspects for top of the honour roll. Chen, Zhou, Chattopadhyay and Steeves.
Davis: Billy Zhou…coming into ninth grade?
Black: Yep. His sister graduated with a 98% average last year. An easy five points.
Davis: Okay, that’s your first mistake. Never take a ninth grader based on their sibling’s accomplishments, even if they are Asian. We had a kid in here about six or seven years ago – finished with a 99% average. Brother showed up the next year and couldn’t even tie his shoelaces. I had to trade him at the deadline and it likely cost me first place. You get rid of him now and it’s not an illegal substitution.
Black: Got it. Um…okay I have Morgan, Reed and Gravelle for worst average.
Davis: Smart. Reed and Gravelle each only got one credit last year and they hang out together so they’ll drag each other down. You have to watch Morgan though. He’s a smart bugger so if he decides to turn it on you’re sunk. Its only two points for that category, so it won’t kill you.
Black: Right. Okay, then I have James Cryderman in the consecutive shirt category.
Davis: Cryderman is a solid choice. He wore that Iron Maiden shirt 18 days in a row last year.
Black: Wow, you are a stats man for sure!
Davis: You don’t get to be a six time pool winner by luck my boy. Tell me what you’ve got in the big categories. That’s where you make up real ground.
Black: I have Darla Richie for vomiting at the dance – 5 points, and I put her down for vomiting on a police officer at the dance – 10 points.
Davis: Rookie mistake. Never take the same kid for dance infractions two years in a row. They usually learn their lesson and clean it up the next year.
Black: Really? I heard she chugged half a bottle of Peach Schnapps this summer at the harbor festival. My neighbor Elaine saw her barfing into a garbage can in the women’s washroom.
Davis: There you go! That’s great intel. I stand corrected….stick with Darla.
Black: Then I took Jenny Riggs for most boyfriends. She was on fire last year.
Davis: That’s a no-brainer. She dated 16 guys last year. That’s actually the most since the legendary Carrie Fitzgerald back in ’92.
Black: Now I realize Mitch Bartson was in a bit of a slump at the end of last year, but I think he’ll take most girlfriends.
Davis: Not a bad choice. If he gets that acne cleaned up he could bounce back.
Black: I’m worried about this “coming out” category. I got killed on that one last year.
Davis: Right, I remember you took Stratton.
Black: Well he started wearing all that eyeliner and nail polish.
Davis: Don’t mistake the Goths and Emos for sexual orientation. Stratton just likes to shock people. In grade nine he wore a kilt all of September and a three piece suit to gym class. He’s nuts.
Black: You see…that’s exactly the kind of background dirt I need.
Davis: Don’t forget, you get one mulligan every year. You want to save that for an injury, a drop out or just a fluke incident.
Black: Right… I remember you took yours last year when Dennis Demiglio stole Wilbert’s car out of the parking lot and had to go back to juvenile. You had him for most classes skipped?
Davis: I would have won too. He was on a 32 day streak.
Black: I had to use my mulligan when I picked Jenkins for Honour Roll and then she went to Peru for mission work at winter break and got malaria.
Davis: Hey, we all had Jenkins. That was just a bad break.
Black: That’s pretty much it except for the one point categories.  Oh and this one - swearing at a teacher. I still don’t get that one.
Davis: It’s two points for any use of profanity against a teacher without incitement or provocation. That’s why Mrs. Breck had to forfeit last year. She was calling kids out, pushing their buttons. You know, just generally getting under their skin until they would blow up and swear at her.
Black: She’s a sly one that old gal.
Davis: Oh she was good, just took it a bit too far. Now just keep this last one under your hat. I haven’t seen him yet, but I heard Wilkes got his braces off and he shot up about 4 inches. Good looking boy.
Black: You sir, are the master.
Davis:  I am the master.


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