Friday, 11 March 2016

How to Care For Your American Refugee…

To all Canadians,

As much as it pains me to say it, Donald Trump could actually become president. Yes, this was all very hilarious eight months ago when it was about as likely as a Guns and Roses reunion, and know what happened there.  How could this be you ask? Let’s just say Jesse the Body Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sonny Bono are all reminders that it is never good practice to underestimate the American voter.

Of course in typical Canadian fashion, we have already invited the whole lot of them to move up here when things go sideways. I mean, can you imagine poor old Vermont trying to live with the Donald? Vermont, with its maple syrup and Birkenstocks, who is practically already Canadian? They wouldn’t last a week.

So if you take in an American refugee, or whole family for that matter, feel free to use the following tips to make their transition to the north easier.

1.      Don’t talk politics. Remember, they have been through a very traumatic election season. Some of them made some very bad decisions and some may have even forgotten to vote, and it wouldn’t be sporting of you to remind them of this.

2.      Most American refugees will be of the more liberal type and quite possibly suffering from PSTD. Avoid trigger words such as Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin and NASCAR.

3.      Don’t take them immediately to the hospital for a checkup.  They’re not used to free shit.

4.      Don’t mention the wall. Unless they are talking about the Canadian wall. Then tell them we start building in the summer.

5.      Feed them comfort food, such as KFC and Big Gulp. Supersize may not be quite as super here, but they should have no problem keeping their diabetes levels up. (Canadians are headed that direction anyway, but we’re still at more of a diabetes-lite stage)

6.      Americans like TV as much as Canadians. Be sure to introduce them to such soothing Canadian classics as Road to Avonlea and the Beachcombers. If they are homesick, you could try The Trailer Park Boys.

7.      Try and explain how the emergency response system works here. 911 should be used as an alternative for any situation where they would normally be compelled to shoot someone in the face.

8.      Break the cycle. Even if you think they are ready, under no circumstances should you allow them to go to the following places: hunting supply stores, rodeos, speedways, county fairs or anywhere where they could score crystal meth.

9.      Avoid talking about religion. Using the phrase “the lord works in mysterious ways” is not an acceptable explanation as to why Donald Trump became the leader of the free world.

10. Taxes. This will be a tricky concept for them to grasp. Just tell them that by giving up 40% of their future earnings, they are entitled to adopt a smug sense of self-righteousness shared by all Canadians when we talk about our health care system.