Thursday, 23 April 2015

Things your wife or girlfriend does that you probably don’t even know about

Much as I try to model myself after the enlightened gents I read about in Men’s Health magazine, with their perfect hygiene, zero body fat and “notes of bergamot” cologne, I remain an unpolished lout in many ways. I’m not saying I’m a lost cause, but after being married for a good number of years, I still leave my beard in the sink, the toilet seat up, and I don’t smell like bergamot, if bergamot is even a real thing. We’re not talking about mortal sins here but smaller offenses, like sometimes when we are at the pub, I peer over my wife’s shoulder, pretending to look for the waiter when I am actually watching the game.

As such, I count myself lucky to cohabitate with someone who puts up with a fair amount of shenanigans and still does my laundry even though I sometimes leave crumpled up wet towels in the hamper. I know, it takes two seconds to hang up a towel but men have domestic deficiencies that can’t be nagged or even beaten out of us.  In terms of household evolution, we have reached somewhere between Neanderthal and Homo Sapiens – meaning we know we shouldn’t drink the milk straight from the carton, but we still do anyway.

To that end, Mrs. Rock and Roll Librarian has conducted herself admirably throughout, only occasionally being forced to fly off the handle and remind me that her gardening wheel barrow is not to be used to mix concrete in or that the boy and I should not play lacrosse in the house, even if we are only using a tennis ball. In light of this type of behaviour that many men exhibit, we should at least understand a few of the wondrous things that the wives and girlfriends do that we don’t even realize.

1.      She waters the plants- apparently you have to do this every three days or they will die. I always assumed that the ones in our house were fake or that maybe we had a gardener come in and do it.

2.      She changes the toilet paper roll – most men see an empty roll as a contest to see how long they can go before the significant other will cave in and change it. We know how, we just don’t like doing it.

3.      She un-balls your socks before washing them – this is a thing at our house. Stinky socks from the two boys, concealing sand, bits of grass and strange odours. I am learning to un-ball them when I throw them in the hamper, but there is a lot of muscle memory telling me otherwise.

4.      She makes sure there are nail clippers and dental floss in the house – those items don’t magically appear in the medicine cabinet you know. She has to go out to a store and actually buy it, bring it home and tuck it nicely into your toiletry kit.

5.      She dusts – I have learned that dusting is something people actually do and is not just an old timey thing you see in the movies. Someone has to take a wet cloth or duster and go over everything, physically moving the knick-knacks, cleaning them, and then placing them back in their exact location. Sounds like a waste of time, yes, but apparently if you don’t do it, your house will start to resemble the Adamms family mansion.

6.      She buys fruits and vegetables –You  told your wife you would take care of the shopping this week and came home with 45 pounds of various meats, two boxes of cereal and a jug of milk. How did those apples and pears get in the crisper? Hmmm, they must have come with the fridge.

7.      She makes you drink water – If women didn’t do this, men would be chronically dehydrated, considering our favourite drinks are coffee and beer. How many times after having consumed two pitchers of beer, right before bed, has your wife silently handed you an Advil and a big glass of water, then walked away.                                                                                                                                                                
8.      She makes sure you don’t leave the house looking like an idiot. – We can dress ourselves easily enough, its whether or not we risk public ridicule by leaving the house in what we have chosen. “If I wear a tie can I still wear jeans? No? Okay thanks love.”  Trust me, your wife knows more than you do, so if she says you can’t pull off skinny jeans, then dude…you really can’t pull off skinny jeans.