Friday, 7 November 2014

Eight Things That Suck About Being a Grownup

For starters, being over 40 and still having the word “suck” in one’s vocabulary is, in some circles, not considered very grownup. While I’m not actually classifying myself as a grownup yet, I do plan on being one in the future; like by the time I hit fifty. Or fifty-five at the very latest, so that I have some concrete plans for my retirement other than playing Frisbee and listening to the Grateful Dead all day long. I know that sounds idyllic, but I could be arthritic at that point and I might lose interest in Hacky–Sack as a form of recreation, even though I’m totally wicked at it.

Beware the following sucky things. They may come around and harsh your buzz, and your vocabulary….dude.

1. Tennis elbow – yes, it’s actually a real thing and I had it in both arms at once. At one point I thought it was just an expression that people used to get out of helping you move, like “I have a trick knee”, or “I have the scurvy”.  I know scurvy is real now too, thanks to my cousin Tom who was diagnosed after the doctor found out that he survived for an entire semester on Mr. Noodles and Molson Export.

2. Taxes - To simplify, there is this organization in our nation’s capital called Revenue Canada, made up of a bunch of jerk-faces, who think it’s their job to monitor your tax returns. They are completely without humour and do not appreciate receipts submitted in crumpled ball format.

3. Being in Charge of Stuff – With great power comes great responsibility, and so by default, simply being an adult often puts you “in charge” of things that could get you in trouble if you screw up. As in, “you’re in charge of picking up the boy from hockey, so please don’t leave him stranded at the arena…again”.  

4. Setting an Example – Why do I have to always set an example? Isn’t that what crossing guards and that guy from Highway to Heaven are for? Sometimes I just want to lay on the couch in my underwear, eating nachos and binge watching Family Guy without the boy thinking I’m a giant loser.

5. Snow Days – Kids version: Buses are cancelled! WOOHOO! Fruit loops doused in chocolate milk, followed by video-games and the building of snow forts. Grown-up version: Shovel the driveway, find and pay a babysitter because now the kids are home alone, try to avoid 30 car pileup on way to work, get home and shovel the driveway again because the plow has filled it in. That’s a shite deal if you ask me.

6. Cholesterol – Cholesterol is an evil tool that doctors use to try and get you to give up beer and wing night. Apparently the celery and carrots on the side don’t amount to the recommended daily serving of veggies. In my twenties I could do a basket of fries, a pound of suicide wings and a pitcher of beer right before bed and wake up right as rain the next day. If I did that now, I would have heartburn, nightmares and probably wet the bed.

7. Beer Belly – See number 6, but add more beer to the mix. A lot more delicious beer.

8. Hangovers – Ok, yes you can have a hangover when you are a teenager, but it is easily remedied with a greasy breakfast and a jug of Gatorade. If I get a hangover now, it feels like I spent the night in a tequila shot competition against the entire Irish drinking team.

Your homework if you choose to accept it….a lovely rendition of I Don’t Want to Grow Up.