Monday, 11 June 2012

Prison Meeting

Sonny: Okay listen up guys…I’m calling this meeting of Cell Block Six to order.
Alright…first up I’d like to welcome back Mad Dog Morris, after his nearly successful release to the halfway house.

Mad Dog Morris:  Yeah…I had a hard time integrating back into society.

Sonny: You were only gone for 24 hours and you committed 17 parole violations.

Mad Dog Morris: I set fire to a photo hut too, but they didn’t pin that one on me.

Sonny: Well, better luck next time. Moving on, we say goodbye to Slick Jimmy who will be released tomorrow on condition that he stays away from retirement homes and the liquor store.

Slick Jimmy: Thanks Sonny, I’ve learned my lesson.

Sonny: Finally, we say goodbye to Johnny “The Snitch” Santicono, who unfortunately had that barbell fall on his throat last Thursday, may he rest in peace.
For this weeks door prize, Sergei and his crew have generously donated a jar of potato liquor and 10 cigarettes, so I’d like to call up Sergei to draw a name.

Sergei: We brew fresh in mop bucket. (Sergei pulls a name from the hat)
Winner is…Bam Bam.

Bam Bam: Wow…hey thanks guys. Sergei, no hard feelings about that incident in the yard last week?

Sergei: You stabbed Igor in thigh. Igor is very upset still, but I will talk with him.

Bam Bam: ‘preciate that comrade.

Sonny: Okay ladies let’s not get all mushy here. Okay, next we have the old trading post. (Pulls out list)
Lets see…Igor is requesting a shank, “suitable for stabbing in leg area”.
Sergei is looking for empty jars and is willing to trade 2 pounds of fertilizer and a homemade detonator.

Sergei: Jars must have lids.

Sonny: You heard the man. Lastly, Jodi is looking for some “strong cord, preferably piano wire”, and he’s willing to trade up to twenty five cigarettes for it.

Jodi: It’s actually J-Rock. Call me J-Rock.

Sonny: We’ve gone over this before Jodi. You can’t make up your own nickname. You have to wait until someone else starts calling you something other than Jodi.

Jodi: Dude…Sammy the Strangler has been calling me J-Rock for like, two weeks.

Sonny: (looks at Sammy) Did Jodi tell you he would get you piano wire if you would call him J-Rock?

Sammy: No, no...I ah…I just thought he’s a cool guy and I know he likes rocks so, you know…J-Rock.

Sonny: Whatever you say Sammy.
Right…last on the agenda is the suggestion box. I just want everyone to know that the suggestion box is a not a joke and it takes me a lot of time to go through all the notes each week. It is supposed to serve as a means of communication between prisoners and the warden, so when I get suggestions such as, “need fancier silverware in the dining room”, it’s not really helping anyone.

Sammy the Strangler: I was serious about that one. I hate using a spork.

Sonny: Well maybe if you hadn’t tried to shank Igor with your butter knife last year, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Igor: Why everyone always try to stab Igor?

Sonny: (pulls another suggestion from the box) Oh this one is good, I wonder who wrote it, “I think we should start calling Jodi, J-Rock, because he rocks hard. Hard as metal.”

Jodi: What? It was probably Sammy that wrote that.

Sonny: And what about this one? It just says, “Give me back my finger.”
That is not a constructive suggestion and P.S., Stumpy I know that was you.

Stumpy: I know one of you’se bastards picked it up off the wood shop floor that day.

Sonny: Look Stumpy, we’ve all lost a finger or two in the wood shop, but you’ve got to let it go. Okay, is there anything else? Mad Dog?

Mad Dog Morris: Yeah, well I was just wondering if I’m still on the schedule for bringing a door prize or did you take my name off when I was released.

Sonny: We knew you’d be back buddy.

Mad Dog Morris: (teary) Ah you guys…

Monday, 4 June 2012

Redneck Wedding

-Dwayne Jr. the weddin’ is next week. Did you speak to your groomsmen yet?

- Baby I told you I took care of it.

-Dwayne Budweiser Earnhart Morris Junior, this is going to be a classy affair so you tell them boys they ain’t wearin’ flip flops or no work boots to my wedding. I want you to take ‘em on up to the Walmart and pick out some matching sneakers.

-You know I will Shania Destiny.

-Make sure they’re white. They got some of them Velcro ones on sale for $9.99.

-You think of everything baby-cakes.

-And make sure Earl gets that thing taken care of on his foot. The best man ain’t supposed to be limpin’ around like quasimodo. It wouldn’t kill him to leave the cane at home neither.

-I’ll talk to him baby but he’s pretty wobbly without it, and ‘sides that, he’s gonna have a few beers before the ceremony.

-Just make sure he don’t fall down in the middle of the talking part. Now listen…I want all black track pants, no holes in ‘em and no logos. That ain’t classy.

- I got it covered baby. We’re each getting a new pair when we go pick up the tuxedo t-shirts.

-Good. Did you order the mechanical bull yet?

- I thought you was takin’ care of that sugar pumpkin.

-Dwayne! When would I have time to do that? I was on the phone with the KFC half the day yesterday tryin’ to get the meal organized.

-I’m real sorry honeybunny, I’ll get right on it. How’d it go with the dinner anyways?

-We got 40 buckets of chicken comin’, 30 buckets of tater salad, and enough buns, fries and gravy for everyone, and…since Harmony-Marie is the manager at the KFC and she’s a bridesmaid, she’s gonna get them to deep fry up everything right before they deliver it, so it’s real fresh.

-That’s real smart sweetie. You’re the best.

- My cousin Jimmy is picking up a bunch of them 12 litre boxes of wine from the Costco, so I just need you to get the beer.

- I’m on it baby. Earl is gonna bring all the leftover kegs from the demolition derby last week. He said most of them is near full and hardly flat at all.

-Well that sounds about right. I guess you can git to your bachelor party now.

-Thanks sugarplum. I jest kinda wish you hadn’t hired Merla Jean for the stripper.

-Dwayne Jr. you should be thankful you’re getting a stripper at all.

-But baby…she’s my cousin.

-She’s my cousin too and I ain’t whinin’ about it. It was the only ways I knew you’d keep yer grubby paws off’n her.

-Depends how drunk I get.

-What did you say Dwayne Junior?

-Nuthin’ honeybuch.

-I thought so. Now git on outta here afore I change my mind.