Building Permit Application

The reason I am calling sir, is that we have found a number of, shall we say “unorthodox” requests on your application for a building permit. Now while we do wish to work with, rather than against  individuals, we simply cannot  issue you a permit at this time due to the sheer…well… for example here, where is asks the type of roof, you have indicated that you will be using dirt. Is that correct?

I see. Well I’m not sure there is a loophole under “good for defense” but your choice of roofing materials is the least of your worries. I was looking at your drawing and it appears that, with the exception of the front door – which I noticed is round- the entire dwelling is under ground. I understand that it may be eco- friendly, but unless you are operating an underground parking garage, you cannot live in a hole.

Oh, it’s a family tradition is it? I see. Well, what about your intended method of payment sir? You have crossed out cash or cheque and written in “plunder”. You are not indicating you are a pirate sir?

Aha, I see…stolen from a dragon you say?  I’m glad you have a sense of humour sir, but there are limits to what is funny. For example what about section D where you are to list the general contractor and you have indicated you will be hiring dwarves?

They make good builders do they sir? Fine, well I must take issue with height of the door frames. The building code clearly requires that each doorframe be a minimum of six and a half feet, yet yours are all only four. Be reasonable sir, it’s not as though you will have a bunch of hobbits running around there.

I see. That would explain a lot. Like why instead of garage, you wrote in “room to store riches.”

Let’s move on shall we. I can’t believe I’m saying this but under no circumstances would we allow a wizard to clear the property of trees.

Magic is faster is it?  I’m sorry but you would have to go through McGrady’s tree service like everyone else.

Also, you can’t brew alcohol on your premises, which means the room listed as “brewery” has got to go. I’m not sure what mead is, but if it has alcohol in it, you’ll have to apply for a separate permit. Oh and that reminds me, you are clearly not zoned for bee-keeping and whatever this “pipe weed” is, well you’d better just forget about that.

Yes sir, I do think you will need to come down in person and get this cleared up.

Orcs? No I’m not familiar with them, but yes you can bring one if you like.