An Open Offer to Sidney Crosby

Dear Sidney Crosby,

How is everything going during the lockout?

I was talking to some of the guys on my ball hockey team and we figured you were probably getting bored by now. Hopefully you have a good way of staying in shape such as running or perhaps even ball hockey.

 Long story short, if you’re not busy on Tuesday nights for the next five weeks my team could use an extra guy. It’s an over 30 league, but we’re allowed one player who is under age. Right now we have Vince Racconi, who is 22 but you could take his spot. He only shows up like half the time anyway, and he’s not putting up very good numbers.

There are a few things you should know, which hopefully won’t be a problem. First off, Jonesy already has number 87.  He’s being a bit difficult about it and says he’s not willing to give it up. He also has your name stitched on the back, and he insists his nickname is Sid, so maybe just go with it. We’ll call you “the kid” or Junior or something.

Secondly, is the McCarther brothers – they play for Stinson Septic Cleaners. I told them I was going to get you on my team and they laughed in my face. Then they said that you were a pussy and if you ever showed up at the rink they would beat you to a pulp. It would be great if you joined the team, then I would be the one laughing in their toothless faces. There is however, a good chance you would have to fight them. My advice is to watch out for Jimmy because he’s a lefty and he’s a dirty fighter.

Last is a bit of an awkward matter, but I feel we have to talk about it. We both know that you have a bit of a soft pumpkin, if you get my drift. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, you being a professional hockey player and all, but you’re not going to be much good to us in the playoffs if you get your bell rung again. Keep your head up is all I’m saying.

So…yeah… I guess that’s about it. You’re probably just going to fly in and out for the games, but you can stay at my house if you want. No pressure or anything, but next week would be great because we play Stinson Septic and we need a win.

P.S. If you can’t make it, can you get me a cel number for Ovechkin?

North Tonawanda Fire Department

The following is an excerpt from a broadcasting class at North Tonawanda Community College.

Instructor: Okay, settle down everyone. We’ve got a lot of material to cover today. We’ll start with news then move on to sports and weather. First I’m going to give you a scenario where there’s breaking news and you give me your lead off line. Okay, let’s say…a fire.  Volunteers? Yes Mr. Riggs.

Riggs: Last night, North Tonawanda fire crews responded to a blaze on Erie Avenue.

Instructor: Excellent. Okay who’s next?  Jenkins?

Jenkins: The North Tonawanda fire department was kept busy this afternoon as they battled a fire in an abandoned warehouse. Wait… it was a warehouse full of kittens! No… seniors! Seniors with kittens!

Instructor: Very thorough Jenkins. Okay folks, how would you handle a car crash?

Riggs: Right here sir!

Instructor: Go ahead Riggs.

Riggs: North Tonawanda fire crews were called to the scene of an accident this morning and had to use the Jaws of Life to free several victims from a wreck. I mean, a fiery wreck.

Instructor: Very eloquent Riggs. How about Football?

Jenkins: Me sir! North Tonawanda fire fighters put out a blaze that started during a tailgating party at the Bills game this weekend.

Instructor. Okay, that’s good Jenkins, but don’t forget your adjectives. I mean what was the size of the blaze? Was it blistering? Were there any seniors or kittens to be rescued from the blaze?    What about you Jones?

Jones: How’s this sir? Firefighter Anthony Dabrowski of the North Tonawanda Fire Department stepped in for injured Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick late in the second half in yesterday’s game. He threw six touchdowns and then put out a small fire in the Bills change room.

Instructor: Very good Jones. Excellent delivery.

Jenkins: I’ve got one sir.  The North Tonawanda fire department was able to hold off the Cleveland Browns offensive line in Monday’s game to lead the Bills to a 48-0 victory. They then extinguished several car fires started by disgruntled Browns fans. Many seniors were comforted at the scene.

Instructor: Much better Jenkins.  What about weather?

Jones: Snow squalls off Lake Erie forced North Tonawanda Fire crews to evacuate the city of Buffalo, including all the Buffalo firefighters. The entire city of Buffalo then caught fire, but fortunately, the North Tonawanda crew put it out.

Perkins: Sir?

Instructor: What is it Perkins?

Perkins: Do we always have to use the Fire Department for our breaking news? And our sports…and weather?

Instructor: I don’t know Perkins. Did President Obama put out the fire at Riggs’ house last year? Did Newt Gingrich show up in the middle of the night when Jenkin’s house burned down last week? Did the Recession put out that inferno last night on Third Avenue?

Perkins: Sorry sir. I didn’t know there was a fire on Third last night.

Instructor: It’s North Tonawanda Perkins. There’s always a fire.

And Then There Were Three

Verse One

I'm an advanced intermediate guitar player. By that I mean I have enough musical sense to recognize my failings and just enough apathy to ensure I don't rise above that comfortable level of mediocrity. I'll forever be relegated to hiding in the shadows of any lead guitar player worth his pickups. In my case, the guitar slinger in question is a dude named Ryan, who is markedly more gifted in his axe prowess, and carries much of the load at our weekly meetings in the jam room. I'm good at rhythm, and that’s what I do. I strum and keep the beat, and Ryan fills in the solos, riffs and noodly bits that make the songs come to life.

We have a pretty good working relationship, he and I. I know when he is about to really dig into a solo and I give him enough line to fling himself out into the nether regions of space where the higher order of musicians go when they’re doing what they do. But I’m the anchor, so I don’t let him float away. I just wait until he opens his eyes – the signal he is again aware of his surroundings- then I start reeling him back in and we move on.

We also sing. A least hurtful way to describe it would be mostly competently. Without going into great detail, suffice it to say that you wouldn’t cringe if you heard us, but neither would you be moved to call American Idol and demand we be given an audition. Since the beginning of our rehearsals, we had agreed that our sound was lacking a certain something. Guitars were good, singing was okay, and yet there was an element missing that was needed to push it over the top. Something to sweeten it up a little. Something….girlie. Yep…that’s the right term.

Verse Two

I texted Ryan one day - with some trepidation- and told him that I had just found out that a woman I had known for years was a singer, and should I invite her out to sing some harmonies? I was not entirely sure this was wise because, you see...the jam room (or rock and roll sanctum, as I like to call it) has traditionally been a place where a bunch of guys make a racket until my neighbour comes wandering over and tells us he has to work early in the morning. Then he sits down and drinks beer with us before we send him wobbling home hours later, only slightly worse for wear. In between songs, the talk turns to man stuff, like hockey, women and... I don't know...big block Chevy engines. That’s a thing right?

Suffice it to say, we have never been graced with the presence of a female musician. That may be partly because I have never invited any except once many years ago, but that was one time rehearsal for a one time thing, so it doesn't count. This was different. This was a possible permanent addition to the duo, instantly making it a three-o. My mind was flooded with questions. Was I going to have to get scented candles to cover the stale beer smell? Was I going to have to stock the fridge with a bunch of sissy coolers? Was I about to create some massive rift in the space time continuum?

Verse Three

Enter Meredith. She arrived first, and as we set up, I peered in fridge at the various assortment of obscure beers that populated it. Ryan and I had often referred to jam night as the “Gentlemen’s Beer Tasting Club” where it became a bit of a competition to see who could bring the most exotic brew to the table.

“Um…you want a beer Meredith?”

“I’m not a big beer drinker.” She says. “Have you got anything light?”

Uh oh. I sized her up at roughly 95 pounds soaking wet and ruled out the black 8% Scottish Ale, brewed in a whiskey cask. That might do her in.

“Weeell. I have Belgian Wheat Beer. It’s pretty cloudy, but it’s mild. It has coriander in it.”

Wrong answer. I cursed myself for not preparing with the coolers.

“Oh wait.” I said. “I’ve got red wine upstairs. How about that?”

Meredith consented to a small glass of red wine.

So there we were, the three of us, staring at each other expectantly, waiting for something to happen. I don’t remember what we played first, but she hung back from the microphone, not wanting to intrude on our already practiced routine. She sang quietly at first, too quietly. Eventually, Ryan and I both encouraged her to lean into it so we could hear her voice. That’s when it happened. Our normal raggedy harmonies were suddenly tied together with a sweet overtone that actually sounded the way it was supposed to. It was like pouring syrup all over the pancakes, smoothing out all the inconsistencies and turning something meh, into something good. By the end of the night Meredith had established herself as the harmony coach, assigning us our parts and helping us through the difficult spots using techniques from her church choir. Ryan and I were both grinning like fools whenever we nailed a three part harmony that before that night would have been unthinkable.

Verse Four

To date Meredith has not been put off by the endless guitar tuning and assorted technical problems that always seem to pop up each night. Nor is she horrified at our lack of singing ability, and in fact occasionally comments that we actually sound good. She still won’t drink robust Czechoslovakian ale, but one week she did have half a French beer, which is good progress on her part. That and we’ve grown kind of fond of her. 

Top Ten "F____ you, old band" Albums

Bands can often be fragile organisms held together with the most tenuous of threads, waiting to collapse under the weight of accusations, creative differences, drugs, alcohol and general rock and roll craziness.  Sometimes the whole thing implodes and members go their separate ways and other times the restructuring consists of a single party either getting the boot or just walking away.  Once in a while, from the ashes will rise a creative effort from a solo member that is as good as, or better than anything done by the group as a whole. Something that garners “critical acclaim”. Something that sticks. Something where said former band member has the backing to say F@$% you old band, I don’t need you suckers.  The following list is in no particular order and rest assured does not contain the 1985 Mick Jagger release “She’s the Boss”.

10. Peter Gabriel – So

Apparently Peter Gabriel left Genesis on reasonably amicable terms, so perhaps he didn’t feel the need to say F@#$ you, and indeed “So” did not follow directly after his departure. It seems it took him a few years and a few albums to get warmed up. Before “So” there were sporadic bits of genius with Solsbury Hill, Je Sans Frontieres, Biko and Shock the Monkey, but it took “So” to pull things all together.  Top tracks on this one include Red Rain, In Your Eyes, Sledgehammer and Big Time. It was a commercial and critical success and lead to multi-platinum sales, video awards and Gabriel’s headlining the Amnesty International concerts. With “So” coming at a time when Genesis was in their “Invisible Touch” phase…it’s obvious that it wasn’t even really a fair fight.

9. John Lennon – Plastic Ono Band

John Lennon’s first solo release after the breakup of the Beatles does not contain the song Imagine.  While Imagine might be his legacy as a solo artist, this album shouldn’t be overlooked as a masterpiece in its absence. Here we get a real glimpse of Lennon and how great he could be without Paul McCartney as a writing partner. Stripped bare and void of any Beatles influence we are left with the real John Lennon.  It’s raw and at times painful as heard with Lennon screaming his guts out at the end of Mother. Other highlights are Working Class Hero, Well, Well, Well, and God . I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me...

8. Peter Frampton – Frampton Comes Alive

Okay…this is a biggie, literally. Remember double albums?  Usually one of the records didn’t get played as much as you forged your allegiance to either side one and two or three and four.  This monster by Peter Frampton actually came several solo albums deep into his career after leaving Humble Pie. It is more of a greatest hits deal, with the most well-known tracks all having been previously released on studio albums. It took all of them together in one big concert package to take Peter Frampton to the top of the arenas, radio and high school parties everywhere in 1976.  Led by Show me the Way, Baby I Love Your Ways, and the iconic Do You Feel Like We Do, this defined his career, and in another sense ruined it, for the next 20 years.

7. Motorhead – Motorhead

Lemmy Kilmister was kicked out of Hawkwind in 1975 after being arrested for drugs at a border crossing from Detroit to Windsor. Two years later came the birth of Motorhead and the rest is history. Screw you Hawkwind…goddamn hippies.

6. Billy Idol – Billy Idol

Billy Idol said F@#$ U to the punk band Generation X and released his first solo album in 1982. From this solo effort came White Wedding, Hot in the City and Dancin’ With Myself (which was originally recorded for Generation X). Rebel Yell was released the following year and contained more hits, but it was the self-titled debut that originally cracked the market for Billy Idol.

6. John  Fogerty – Centerfield

After the acrimonious break up of CCR, John Fogerty released two low key albums in the seventies that did not chart well. He was embroiled in legal battles with his former band mates, and there was a third album that the record company refused to release. Then after a lengthy nine year recording hiatus, Centerfield appeared out of nowhere. It is filled with a collection of catchy  Fogerty-esque material including the The Old man down the Road, Rock and Roll Girls and the title track Centerfield.  Fogerty was vindicated when this went to #1 in the US.

5. Ozzy- Blizzard of Ozz

 Ozzy was kicked out of Black Sabbath in 1979 and went on to release Blizzard of Ozz the following year. With Ozzy, Black Sabbath had ruled the world of crunching doom rock for nearly a decade. Without him, they spiraled into a revolving door of lead singers and a whole bunch of forgettable albums. Ozzy teamed up Randy Rhoades and leapt out of the gates with what would eventually become a hard rock classic. Crazy Train, Mr. Crowley, and Goodbye to Romance provide the foundation to this monumental F@#% you.

4. Van Morrison – Astral Weeks

Van Morrison quit the Belfast formed band Them in 1966, after scoring hits with Baby Please Don’t Go and Gloria. There was a solo album prior to Astral Weeks, but it was released without Van’s consent, so we’re going to ignore it. Astral Weeks never had mainstream success and remains somewhat obscure to most of the general listening public. It is sprawling and loose and the songs seem to meander aimlessly from one to the next. It can be overwhelming in its complexities as one searches for some type of grounding anchor. For some reason this makes it an absolute joy to listen to.

3. Janis Joplin – I Got Dem ol’  Kozmic Blues Again Mama!

Janis recorded two records as the lead singer with Big Brother and the Holding Company, but it wasn’t until Kozmic Blues that she took full control of her own band. Apparently members of Big Brother resented all the attention lavished on her and by her own account, Joplin wished to form her own soul music band. Whatever the reason, Kozmic Blues was the result and Big Brother essentially disappeared from the face of the earth. Kozmic Blues features the hits with Try (just a little bit harder), Kozmic Blues and To Love Somebody.

2. Neil Young – Neil Young, Everybody Knows this is Nowhere, After the Goldrush, Harvest

 In a creative burst of superhuman proportions,  Neil Young released these albums in rapid succession after the breakup of Buffalo Springfield. Take your pick.

1.Robbie Robertson – Robbie Robertson

 While I will never come to terms with Robbie Robertson putting an end to The Band, I must however give accolades to this release. The last couple of albums by The Band were a bit lackluster so this is a return to form by a great songwriter. Broken Arrow, Showdown at Big Sky, Somewhere Down That Crazy River and Testimony are among the highlights of this 1987 release.

Rockin' the "N" Word

Last week while driving to the cottage, I was on iPod compromise with the boy, meaning, I pick something from his iPod that I can stomach. Unfortunately, that leaves me with only two choices – Green Day and K’naan.  On that fine day, K’naan won out and so we cranked it up and rapped on down the highway. I'll have you know, I’m down with K’naan and I even know all the words to “I Come Prepared”. It has a filthy beat that hooks me in every time and before long, I get all gangsta yo, holding my imaginary gun sideways, pointing it at cars going in the opposite direction.

There are two “N” bombs in the song, and because the boy was in the car, I just left a pause where they would normally be sung. Kid’s in the back playing a video game, probably won’t even notice. Two problems here.

1.)    Never underestimate the ability of a ten year old boy to process 5 to 7 media applications at once.

2.)    Apparently the pause and ignore strategy only serves to highlight the word, because as soon as the song was over, it came up.

“Dad…isn’t n_ _ _ er a bad word?”

Oh lord, here we go. Maybe I can distract him and we’ll have the sex talk instead.

“Yes it’s a bad word. And if you want to refer to it, you should say the “N” word.”

“So why is it bad?”

 “Hmmm. Well way way back when African Americans were slaves in the US, white people used to refer to black people using that term. After that, it sort of stuck around and was used in a very hateful way by some white people. It’s a very insulting term and you should never use it.

“So why does K’naan say it? He’s from Africa you know. He’s African Canadian”

“Well son…it’s complicated. I think black people use it as a way of reclaiming the word.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know really. Hey, you want to know where babies come from?”

“Dad, c’mon…I already know that.”

“Okay… well, some black people feel it’s okay to use the “N” word to each other in a friendly way. Between black people, it would be like saying “buddy”, which kind of takes the sting out of the word.”

“Maybe they’re trying to make it into a good word?”

“No. Not exactly. Like I said it’s very complicated. You see, there is a bunch of white kids going around saying it now, but they think it’s okay because they don’t really know the history. In my books they’re still using a racist term and that’s not okay. Do you get it?”

“Sort of.”

“Well just don’t say it.”

And with that, we concluded round one of the “N” word life lessons. Talk about mixed messages for kids these days. When I was growing up, it was very cut and dry. If you said the “N” word, you were a giant racist. Run DMC weren’t dropping it fifty times in every song and you certainly didn’t see Theo Huxtable calling out his buddy coackroach with a “Whats up my n_ _ _a?”  I know kids have to sort these things out for themselves, but it ain’t easy in a time where hip hop culture is dominating the teens, tweens and beyond.

K’naan is pretty tame and let’s face it, radio friendly. I can hardly wait until he discovers the Wu Tang Clan.

Your homework, if you choose to accept it, is a radio friendly version of “I come Prepared.”