Thursday, 4 August 2016

Millennials Unite!

You came up in the toughest of times if you were born from 1982 to 2000. Really it’s a wonder any of you survived into a grown-up sized body, what with peril lurking around every corner.

Okay, so you maybe you weren’t allowed to walk to school or drink water right out of the garden hose, but your generation had to suffer through plastic water bottles that were full of BPA’s and didn’t keep your drink cold at all.

Your moms were pregnant with you and still drank caffeine, ate gluten, and exposed you to low doses of second hand smoke on patios and in other outdoor venues.

If your parents wanted to reach you, it was on a totally archaic flip phone, and even then, only when you were in an area with good reception. You used “pay as you go” and once your minutes ran out you were screwed.

Sunscreen was a joke. Your mom would lather you up with stuff that was rated as 18 SPF or even less! You heard me.

You were sent out in the yard to amuse yourselves on the trampoline. Sure, there was a protective net around the sides, but it could be very abrasive.

You rode bikes with no disc brakes and wore old school bike helmets that fit poorly and were completely unfashionable. 

Nerf Guns? Not as bad as lawn darts, but I suspect they could be dangerous if you got shot at point blank range…directly in the eyeball.

HD was barely invented and Plasma TV’s were like a million dollars. 1080p? Child please…more like 720p.

You got by on 40 gig hard drives and windows 95.

On milk day at school, there was no soy milk option.

Some of you are old enough that you went to a school where kids would actually bring peanut products in their lunches. Yet here you are.

Your dads built elaborate tree-forts with pressure treated lumber that contained arsenic, which could cause cancer if swallowed. Um, hello…do you want me to get cancer dad?

Amber alert? Whatever. If you were kidnapped, you were basically on your own.  

Fair play in sports wasn’t really fair. Yes everybody made the team but if you sucked, the coach would make you sit on the bench during the finals.

There was no Pokémon Go. You made do with the terrible graphics offered on your Super NES, SEGA, or PlayStation. (Or Xbox, or Wii, depending on what your parents could afford)

Netflix? Forget about it. If you wanted to binge watch something you had to go to the video store and rent a whole bunch of DVD’s.

Parents were strict! If you misbehaved, you got a time out, simple as that. It may sound barbaric but it sometimes worked.

Pat yourself on the back millennials – you made it. Now go out and exercise your right to rage at the newest generation coming up…this so called Generation Z. You tell them how tough it was back in the day, before apps and touch screens and water bottles with bits of fruit floating around in them.


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