One Week

Is there such a thing as too much of a good thing? I mean, if you really like Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and boldly proclaim that if you could only have one food for the rest of your life, it would be tubs of Cherry Garcia ice cream, would you change your tune after a week?

Lately I have been thinking about committing to certain endeavours for the span of a week, mostly in hopes of bettering myself. You know, eating only fruits and veggies for a week, or not peeing in the shower. (Don’t get all high and mighty; it all goes to the same drain). Anyway, then I thought about what it would be like to do something for a week, even if it wasn’t for the betterment of myself or mankind. You know, just benign stuff like wearing turtlenecks for a week, or listening only to Dexy’s Midnight Runners. It would be an experiment in willpower, like that time I declared I would chew each bite 32 times like the article in Men’s Health said I should. I was only able to sustain that for three bites, then I got bored of counting, but you get the point.

Then there is a further level of renegade journalism, a la Supersize Me. Remember the guy who only ate McDonalds for 30 days and nearly died? That’s hardcore commitment in the name of science – if indeed that was his motivation. I’m not really proposing that I take on anything that drastic. I’m looking at more middle of the road, less life threatening type shenanigans.

So far my list of one week challenges includes:

• Don’t drive my car
• Eat no meat
• Go barefoot
• No breakfast scotch

I’m not sure if I can pull off the barefoot trick at work, so that one will have to wait for summer. As for giving up the car, I’m going to try some method acting to get into character by pretending I have a DUI charge. That will really feel authentic if I throw in the no breakfast scotch rule in the same week. Okay, really I only have breakfast scotch on Christmas morning, and I’m not prepared to give that up.

Maybe I should throw a gluttonous hedonistic challenge in there as well. How about staying in bed for a week, living on whatever takeout food I can convince the delivery guy to bring right into the bedroom? No…that would only lead to a level of grossness normally reserved for those in Turkish prison camps or first year college students.

So where to start? These things require some planning and some procrastination and I suppose even some moxy to take that first step. I’ve got a million excuses as to why I couldn’t possibly give up the car for a week, and how am I supposed to eat a Dominos meat lovers pizza when it’s chock full of meat? These are the obstacles I must overcome if I am to be successful in my quest for enlightenment, and I think I’m ready. I mean…how hard can it be to take on a watered down challenge, where I set my own ground rules and am monitored by no one?  I’ll take the bull by the horns and rassle that sum bitch to the ground.

It's not like I’m giving up my Christmas breakfast scotch or anything rash like that.