I think I’m doing YouTube wrong. Seriously, how is it that I sit down at 8 pm
with the sole intention of watching the November Rain video, and when I suddenly
snap back into consciousness, it’s 2 o'clock in the morning, and I’m watching a montage
of cats falling into the bathtub. I am dehydrated, disoriented, and there is
this big blurry part in the middle, kind of like how you feel after a Phish
concert. I try to piece together what happened and follow the mysterious thread
from Guns and Roses to cats. I usually draw a blank, except I’m pretty sure
somewhere in there, I watched at least two full seasons of WKRP in Cincinnati.
You are a dangerous mistress YouTube,
drawing me in with clips of people snorting Wasabi and then slyly letting your
dress slip off your shoulder by suggesting a “coming up next” feature. Are you
reading my mind YouTube? Do I want to watch rednecks making their own pontoon
boats from nothing more than plastic barrels and a picnic table? Yes I do... I do
want to watch that. Once I’m down the
rabbit hole, clocks start melting, time becomes irrelevant, and I just have to
let the current take me where it will.
I can’t say this dance with the devil
has been a complete waste of time though. I have gleaned enough insight into the human
condition to find out what makes a video go viral. As such, if you ever want to
have your 15 minutes of fame, try and capture something in the following
categories.
1. A child getting stoned at the dentist. Apparently it is perfectly normal to film a
kid on the drive home from the dentist when they are high out of their minds
and talking gibberish. It is also normal to then share it on the inter-web
where millions of people can join in the laugh.
2. People falling off treadmills. If you hang
around the gym enough, not working out, but just keeping your phone on and at
the ready, you will eventually capture this. Believe me, it will be worth it.
3. Anything with a Panda. It doesn’t matter
how boring they are, for some reason people love Pandas. “Oh look, he’s sitting
in a slightly different, but cuter position!” should be enough to get you a
million hits.
4. Getting Tasered. If you have a cop friend,
ask if you can go on a ride-along on a Saturday night. With any luck, you will
see some poor bastard getting zapped with the Taser. You’ll get tons of hits from
the male 18-24 demographic.
5. Rednecks doing anything that could get them
killed. If you ever hear the phrase “gimme them jumper cables you pussy “,
start filming immediately, something big is about to happen. If it is preceded
by “hold my beer”, you are about to strike gold.
6. Putting something unusual in the blender. It is not
within the reasoning power of some people to understand that they should not
put paintball pellets and root beer in the blender just to see what will
happen. It does make for good video though.
7. Any playground accident. My god, the
possibilities are endless. People flying off the roundabout, overweight adults thinking
they can still go on the slide, and anything involving the most dangerous piece
of equipment ever invented, the swing set. All are hilarious.
8. People eating things they shouldn’t. The habanero pepper challenge seems to be
popular, followed closely by cinnamon powder and dry Jell-O. Chugging anything
carbonated with Mentos is also acceptable.
9. Kids Dance Moves- The
internet public is very impressed with dancing toddlers that display any sense
of rhythm. Immeasurably so if they are wearing a tiny tuxedo, and have commanded
the attention of an entire wedding reception. Frickin adorable.
