As much as
it pains me to say it, Donald Trump could actually become president. Yes, this
was all very hilarious eight months ago when it was about as likely as a Guns
and Roses reunion, and well...you know what happened there. How could this be you ask? Let’s just say Jesse
the Body Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sonny Bono are all reminders that
it is never good practice to underestimate the American voter.
Of course in
typical Canadian fashion, we have already invited the whole lot of them to move
up here when things go sideways. I mean, can you imagine poor old Vermont
trying to live with the Donald? Vermont, with its maple syrup and Birkenstocks,
who is practically already Canadian? They wouldn’t last a week.
So if you
take in an American refugee, or whole family for that matter, feel free to use
the following tips to make their transition to the north easier.
1. Don’t talk politics. Remember, they
have been through a very traumatic election season. Some of them made some very
bad decisions and some may have even forgotten to vote, and it wouldn’t be
sporting of you to remind them of this.
2. Most American refugees will be of the
more liberal type and quite possibly suffering from PSTD. Avoid trigger words
such as Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin and NASCAR.
3. Don’t take them immediately to the
hospital for a checkup. They’re not used
to free shit.
4. Don’t mention the wall. Unless they
are talking about the Canadian wall. Then tell them we start building in the
summer.
5. Feed them comfort food, such as KFC
and Big Gulp. Supersize may not be quite as super here, but they should have no
problem keeping their diabetes levels up. (Canadians are headed that direction
anyway, but we’re still at more of a diabetes-lite stage)
6. Americans like TV as much as
Canadians. Be sure to introduce them to such soothing Canadian classics as Road
to Avonlea and the Beachcombers. If they are homesick, you could try The
Trailer Park Boys.
7. Try and explain how the emergency
response system works here. 911 should be used as an alternative for any
situation where they would normally be compelled to shoot someone in the face.
8. Break the cycle. Even if you think
they are ready, under no circumstances should you allow them to go to the
following places: hunting supply stores, rodeos, speedways, county fairs or anywhere
where they could score crystal meth.
9. Avoid talking about religion. Using
the phrase “the lord works in mysterious ways” is not an acceptable explanation
as to why Donald Trump became the leader of the free world.
10. Taxes. This will be a tricky concept
for them to grasp. Just tell them that by giving up 40% of their future
earnings, they are entitled to adopt a smug sense of self-righteousness shared
by all Canadians when we talk about our health care system.
